My Dad's Journey - Dec 11

Its been 3 months since we received the news that my dad has pancreatic cancer that has moved to the liver, lymph nodes and now lung. It has been a journey that I did not think I would have to live through again. In 1987, my beautiful mother passed away from breast cancer that moved to brain, bone and lung. She suffered so, but never complained. The worst part was the bone cancer -- just too much for any one person to have to endure.

It is now December and I am watching this disease take hold of another parent. I am still in awe of how my father's attitude. His courage and all that he has to endure -- not a complaint. It seems I have been blessed to have been born by the seed of two very courageous, strong, wonderful, honest, loving people. Why should they have had to suffer so? That is my deepest darkest question and I have no real answer because in the path of life we walk, this is not a matter of why's, but more a matter of faith. It is in there suffering, my deepest darkest part of my soul connects with that which is greater than all things -- and I hold tight to it.

This past week has been more of a struggle for me personally. My heart cannot seem to stop the hurting, but then I think about my Dad and what must be in his thoughts, what haunts him, scares him, brings him peace to sleep and I am immediately reminded of 'faith'. Faith is not just a 'practice'. Its a firm belief that through anything, we can overcome. Even as my dad faces his immortality, I ache inside because I cannot imagine my life without him. But see, is that selfishness?

I know that this has made me think about my mortality. Will I be as gracious and as courageous? Will I be able to continue each day? It makes me fear. Now how can I actually say 'faith' and 'fear' in the same thought process? It is my quest to discover the path within myself to be like my mom and my dad as their lives ending came to their knowledge. The only moment that holds strong within my heart is that where I may not know what they really thought or felt, but I know I was there at her end. I will be there at my Dad's end too. But for this moment, I laugh and joke with my dad and I will see him tomorrow.

He is amazing to me -- and has made me want to be a better me in so many ways. So, as this quest of mine begins -- and I watch his life come to an end, I hope to conquer the fear that lies deep within me -- being alone and dying.

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It takes a moment to stop, look & listen. It is in that moment, you will find life.