Its been 3 months since we received the news that my dad has pancreatic cancer that has moved to the liver, lymph nodes and now lung. It has been a journey that I did not think I would have to live through again. In 1987, my beautiful mother passed away from breast cancer that moved to brain, bone and lung. She suffered so, but never complained. The worst part was the bone cancer -- just too much for any one person to have to endure.
It is now December and I am watching this disease take hold of another parent. I am still in awe of how my father's attitude. His courage and all that he has to endure -- not a complaint. It seems I have been blessed to have been born by the seed of two very courageous, strong, wonderful, honest, loving people. Why should they have had to suffer so? That is my deepest darkest question and I have no real answer because in the path of life we walk, this is not a matter of why's, but more a matter of faith. It is in there suffering, my deepest darkest part of my soul connects with that which is greater than all things -- and I hold tight to it.
This past week has been more of a struggle for me personally. My heart cannot seem to stop the hurting, but then I think about my Dad and what must be in his thoughts, what haunts him, scares him, brings him peace to sleep and I am immediately reminded of 'faith'. Faith is not just a 'practice'. Its a firm belief that through anything, we can overcome. Even as my dad faces his immortality, I ache inside because I cannot imagine my life without him. But see, is that selfishness?
I know that this has made me think about my mortality. Will I be as gracious and as courageous? Will I be able to continue each day? It makes me fear. Now how can I actually say 'faith' and 'fear' in the same thought process? It is my quest to discover the path within myself to be like my mom and my dad as their lives ending came to their knowledge. The only moment that holds strong within my heart is that where I may not know what they really thought or felt, but I know I was there at her end. I will be there at my Dad's end too. But for this moment, I laugh and joke with my dad and I will see him tomorrow.
He is amazing to me -- and has made me want to be a better me in so many ways. So, as this quest of mine begins -- and I watch his life come to an end, I hope to conquer the fear that lies deep within me -- being alone and dying.
...
It takes a moment to stop, look & listen. It is in that moment, you will find life.
Friday, December 11, 2009
#FollowFriday
For me, #FollowFridays are very personal because I really want to make mention of those I feel others should follow but there never is enough room. So, for the first time evah, I'm gonna write these out and post and let everyone enjoy these fav's of mine -- and hopefully you'll enjoy following them as much as I.
1. @carlajean126 - this is one gal who knows how to write a blog, a tweet, or a FB comment that can make you think, laugh til you cry and just cannot wait until the next one. She has made me feel safe during the trial I am enduring with my dad and there are not enough words from my heart to tell her how much she means to me. #FF this shiny, sparkly, flashing lights of brightness -- you will never be disappointed.
2. @meprince - oh my goodness -- so much to say about her. She's truly one of those treats you just have to have and never ever tire of. She has the same addictions I do - which could be an issue if it weren't for the fact that we just don't care. LMAO This is a tweetie that never ceases to amaze me in how she approaches her life, shares and once you follow her, you'll find your heart will feel the same happiness mine does.
3. @zoeyjordan - How to describe this gal in one word: Remarkafabulous! Talented, humorous, strong, devoted, and just plain a tweet that is a treat to have come to know. I really feel that there was a reason that I have met her and been introduced to so many fabulous people -- and for that alone, a debt I cannot repay. ZoJo brought the smiles that keep me going these days...and I cannot wait to meet her and all the OS's. She is uber-fab.
4. @shandrab - I cannot add ZoJo without adding the ultimate in defining magical -- and this one is true magic. Her interior design talents leave me in awe, but she also has something to say about the current state of events that affect all of us. She too is a humorous, joyful, devoted and uber-shiny gal. You will never be disappointed when you are tweeting with her. I just love these two because together -- they are one shiny powerhouse of fun and energy!!
5. @ian_si -- the sweetest guy from across the pond that you'll ever meet. Loves his coffee (thank you evah so much), but also can make you feel like its just you and him in the twitterverse. He is a family man and knowing that they come first for him, makes me adore him even more.
6. @memphismike1971 - wow. where do I begin. This guy came into my twitterlife via @ZoeyShea and my world has been forever changed. I loved his taste in blips -- but as time has gone on, there is just too much about this guy that has given me reason to put him on this MUST FOLLOW list. I will forever remember my first experience with him and it was #sketchiness at its finest. He is a delight that you should NOT miss.
7. @jessewatson1 - my soul check -- as well as just overall the most entertaining. I think for me, personally, his love of life is to be enamored -- and it continually surprises me how 'prophetic' he can be in not so many words. He loves his life and his family and does not hesitate sharing his world with us. I am so honored to put him on this list. Thank you Jesse -- you keep me in check.
8. @txm77 - my oh my oh my -- this gal has and will continue to be the most energetic, enthusiastic, loving, giving, and totally full of uber-gorgeousness that to miss out on this one is to be denying yourself someone of real value. She brightens with a smile and is loved by all of us.
9. @aakomas - wonderful. its just one word but it fits her so well. Her mind is a catalog of information just waiting to happen -- fun, fun fun -- and am so happy to have come to know her. I look forward to this continuous journey with her...she's truly opened up my mind to some social issues and engaged me in thoughts and debates that you can't have with just anyone.
10. @jason_pollock - I have to put him on my list because there is so much about him that I just cannot express enough. Not only is he a talented writer, but he has become MY personal source of information as well as absolute laugh fests (i.e. katalyst). I cannot recommend this follow highly enough.
11. @julito77 - another one of those tweeters who feeds the brainy side of me -- but can also have me in absolute stitches. His diversity is why I enjoy him so much; passionate, direct, and a total package when it comes to my definition of a great tweet to follow.
Last but so not least:
12. @drew_mcdaniel - here's a guy that has been my fav #hunkalert ever since I met him, but I have come to know there is more to this tweep than meets the tweets. He is truly inspirational and makes me think about the things that we really need to stop and give thoughts to. He is a true pleasure to read and I just cannot say enough how much I enjoy him.
There are more to mention, and I will, but for these special tweeps, I wanted them to know why I suggest you follow them. Happy Fabuliciously Friday!
1. @carlajean126 - this is one gal who knows how to write a blog, a tweet, or a FB comment that can make you think, laugh til you cry and just cannot wait until the next one. She has made me feel safe during the trial I am enduring with my dad and there are not enough words from my heart to tell her how much she means to me. #FF this shiny, sparkly, flashing lights of brightness -- you will never be disappointed.
2. @meprince - oh my goodness -- so much to say about her. She's truly one of those treats you just have to have and never ever tire of. She has the same addictions I do - which could be an issue if it weren't for the fact that we just don't care. LMAO This is a tweetie that never ceases to amaze me in how she approaches her life, shares and once you follow her, you'll find your heart will feel the same happiness mine does.
3. @zoeyjordan - How to describe this gal in one word: Remarkafabulous! Talented, humorous, strong, devoted, and just plain a tweet that is a treat to have come to know. I really feel that there was a reason that I have met her and been introduced to so many fabulous people -- and for that alone, a debt I cannot repay. ZoJo brought the smiles that keep me going these days...and I cannot wait to meet her and all the OS's. She is uber-fab.
4. @shandrab - I cannot add ZoJo without adding the ultimate in defining magical -- and this one is true magic. Her interior design talents leave me in awe, but she also has something to say about the current state of events that affect all of us. She too is a humorous, joyful, devoted and uber-shiny gal. You will never be disappointed when you are tweeting with her. I just love these two because together -- they are one shiny powerhouse of fun and energy!!
5. @ian_si -- the sweetest guy from across the pond that you'll ever meet. Loves his coffee (thank you evah so much), but also can make you feel like its just you and him in the twitterverse. He is a family man and knowing that they come first for him, makes me adore him even more.
6. @memphismike1971 - wow. where do I begin. This guy came into my twitterlife via @ZoeyShea and my world has been forever changed. I loved his taste in blips -- but as time has gone on, there is just too much about this guy that has given me reason to put him on this MUST FOLLOW list. I will forever remember my first experience with him and it was #sketchiness at its finest. He is a delight that you should NOT miss.
7. @jessewatson1 - my soul check -- as well as just overall the most entertaining. I think for me, personally, his love of life is to be enamored -- and it continually surprises me how 'prophetic' he can be in not so many words. He loves his life and his family and does not hesitate sharing his world with us. I am so honored to put him on this list. Thank you Jesse -- you keep me in check.
8. @txm77 - my oh my oh my -- this gal has and will continue to be the most energetic, enthusiastic, loving, giving, and totally full of uber-gorgeousness that to miss out on this one is to be denying yourself someone of real value. She brightens with a smile and is loved by all of us.
9. @aakomas - wonderful. its just one word but it fits her so well. Her mind is a catalog of information just waiting to happen -- fun, fun fun -- and am so happy to have come to know her. I look forward to this continuous journey with her...she's truly opened up my mind to some social issues and engaged me in thoughts and debates that you can't have with just anyone.
10. @jason_pollock - I have to put him on my list because there is so much about him that I just cannot express enough. Not only is he a talented writer, but he has become MY personal source of information as well as absolute laugh fests (i.e. katalyst). I cannot recommend this follow highly enough.
11. @julito77 - another one of those tweeters who feeds the brainy side of me -- but can also have me in absolute stitches. His diversity is why I enjoy him so much; passionate, direct, and a total package when it comes to my definition of a great tweet to follow.
Last but so not least:
12. @drew_mcdaniel - here's a guy that has been my fav #hunkalert ever since I met him, but I have come to know there is more to this tweep than meets the tweets. He is truly inspirational and makes me think about the things that we really need to stop and give thoughts to. He is a true pleasure to read and I just cannot say enough how much I enjoy him.
There are more to mention, and I will, but for these special tweeps, I wanted them to know why I suggest you follow them. Happy Fabuliciously Friday!
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